So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
