Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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