I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
