What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Life is so much better after having sex.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
