Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
