oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
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