I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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