I just saw a hot homeless man
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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