i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
There's always time for handjobs
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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