What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
