i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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