I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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