I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
