the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
