I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
