just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
