I think I died a long time ago.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
