The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
