how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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