My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize