I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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