How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
