I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
