Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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