Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize