Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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