I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
