If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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