You're so nebulous sometimes
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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