I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
