You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
