Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
