So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
