You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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