Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
