I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
