Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
