Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
40s are totally the cure
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
