I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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