He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
