I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
