I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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