i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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