can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
