im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize