i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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