so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
