In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
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