You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
