Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You know, be my cock's hype man.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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