Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
