Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
