I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
