I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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