One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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