i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I have post one night stand depression
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
