So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
