at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
