I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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