When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
