Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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