I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
